Teenage poetry or is it fate that I become a disposable door mat

I am not making my situation any better by just thinking about past experiences. I torture myself on a daily basis thinking about failed relationships, ways the women that I have met and liked, laugh, and dwell at the futility of the situation. It has become a sisyphean task to think of what is wrong with me and why my situation has yet to change.

Well, this can't be normal!

I am at it again, for the "n"th. A new Tinder account has been created with my real name, a basic photo and not much else. In the first week I got about 20 matches. One woman initiated conversation, but I have very little comfort in asking questions without prying.

My previous experience reminded me that I am expendable. Although my employment status has improved, my unease is showing.
If I had a drinking/drug, gambling, spending, or other problem, I somehow feel it would be easier to move along from there. I occasionally deal with some racism, I can definitely say motivation, or ambition, needs some work. Being with somebody, makes me think that I would be motivated again, but I am not sure about that. I ironically wish I did not have any belongings making it easier for family to clean up behind me. ( I wonder how scripts and AI can identify when a dark expression is genuine or fictional. People do not share their feelings about finality, do they write about them in the semi-anonymous web?)

I've mulled over business ideas, returning to school etc. however the point of it all makes me wonder. My hobbies don't sustain me. Finding a partner in crime is very important. I have to learn how be a better listener and put myself out there.

Tinder - my one year summary - I give up.

I don't know how many times I have deleted my account. Let me summarize how my dating experience has been with Tinder over the past year. As a note, I rated 84% attractive using Photofeeler.com, and had many women swipe me right. I do not send nude pics, send messages to hookup or something that I would consider creepy. For the greater part, I have tried to have some with conversation until someone suggests we meet for coffee.

September 2014-October 2014 : Chatted with some women. One meetup/date seemed promising, then she disappeared into silence. I tried my name in different language characters. I somehow got ignored. Roman characters help a lot. (Account deleted)

Mid November 2014 : New account. Dated one person. Well dated. I think she was quite lonely, and it was clear that she did not want to embrace/kiss/intimacy. I went along to outings with her, but was overwhelmed by guilt, that she would be left alone. At the same time, I felt very unattractive. It went on until January, when I realised that I was very unhappy. I tried to let her know that I felt that doesn't make me feel important and that I wonder if she would be happier with the companionship of my friend's dog. She contacted me to spend time with her, but I distanced myself, saying that I couldn't make it.
I had forgotten about my account after a second date in mid December. I logged back in to delete it. Just out curiosity, I saw that her account was active recently. Was she checking on me? Reviewing past conversations? (Account deleted)

Late January 2015 - May 2015: I met up someone with whom which chatted/texted over Tinder months earlier. We got along - I really liked  her. Somewhat in recovery, or fear of being hurt, I wanted to take things slow. Actually that is probably my default mode of operation - my first relationship was at the age of 30 where the woman was aggressive with for about 6 months. Nevertheless, things seemed to going along well, until I got ghosted.

June 2015:  Undeterred, well okay, I didn't want to be discouraged, so I went back on Tinder. Met with one woman for a beer. Not quite compatible at all. (Account deleted)

August 2015: I try again. Fresh new photo is used for my profile which is nothing more than my name my name. Many, many matches. A few conversations were on the go. Meeting up the following week with someone for coffee is planned. I leave my account idle until that date takes place. The day before, she cancels as she tells me she still has feelings for her ex. Oddly enough I still frequently still think of the woman that I earlier in the year.

September 2015: I log in again. A few new matches. I reluctantly resume a few conversations. Nothing much goes on. (Account deleted)


Maybe I am the exception.

In the world of Tinder, while women get a whole lot of attention, men learn about rejection

Ah! Once again, I deleted my account. I had a dozen of matches in this city of a million. With a total of three, I had some decent conversation, but nothing mind blowing. After a couple days, I attempted to start a conversation with the list of matches, I did not even get a reply from the rest. Conversation through chat, like I have said before, isn't fun. It may be that I have a hard time saying something "witty", or have yet to flirt with short text.

What is it that I am supposed to say? How about the timing of my responses? What is correct? I wish I knew.

One girl seemed keen on meeting up, then ended up flaking out, only answering a couple days later. A two three words more that I should say, may have made me seem like a freak. I don't know, and never will.
Another, who made me feel rather uncomfortable by saying that I seem like a nice guy. I chatted with her later and shared my frustration about how conversation ends when I mention my height. From there, I never heard anything back!