Another shot at online dating. POF, Match...

The first time I tried online dating must have been about 12 years ago. I don't feel much has changed. I went one date and was terrified by the aggression of a woman who seemed to be about 10 years older than what she posted on her profile. After my one month subscription, I gave up and didn't think about meeting someone online for years.

Six years later, I tried again. A different city, yet, the experience was somewhat similar. Instead of being older, the woman that I met was, well, of a different body type that appealed to me. However, that wasn't really the issue with the mismatch. I felt that she was clueless with regard to current events.  She also called me more frequently than I liked.  I did not reciprocate her behaviour and it only took a week for us to no longer communicate.

2 years later, again in another city, or town with a population about 20000, I met with one woman, for coffee. She was older than projected, and surprisingly less healthy looking than I would like. She wasn't interested in conversation, but she needed an audience. I felt that she was somewhat rude. Fortunately, the meetup for coffee ended early and that was the end of it. 

Back on POF, for the hell of it, I cannot stand communicating via my computer or mobile phone. Some women have initiated conversation, but I feel that I don't know how to communicate properly online. I may just delete my account after this two week experiment. 

I like to use a computer to look up things related to my hobbies - not socialize. I sometimes wonder if that my person is some asexual anomaly. Being single is not pleasant, however I have no idea how I can change my situation. Getting a real job would be a start – after years of relentless effort of applying to jobs, networking, etc, I feel that no amount of ambition means securing better employment.

Downward Spiral: Unit of Economic Irrelevance

Expectations have killed me. Well, not just yet, but I am definitely getting close. When I was younger, I had some rather stupid, naive expectations of being with somebody, who herself embodied truth and purity. That was a long time ago. However, I still think it makes sense to expect the best.
On a similar note, earlier my career expectations actually meant something to me. A vision that I would be working in international development, travelling the world, and doing something important.
Now, I am a) still single, having lived just a couple of less than successful relationships; and b) working in manual labour position that requires less than a high school education which puts me just under the poverty line with a sentiment of guilt of state inherited debt for the time I spent in post-secondary education. Even if my salary were to be doubled, I look at my colleagues and have a great doubt of what I can and will be achieving.

A few paragraphs of self pity doesn't do me any good, but it begs me to think what this world would be like if people gave up doing shitty jobs, or jobs that are not as valued as others. ( I personally know that everything is important, but am aware that there are activities that are less constructive, such as marketing or the production of consumer waste products like packaging or unhealthy foods, gadgets etc.)

Knowing that the for the greatest part of history, the majority of the population lived through poverty and hunger, yet they retained a will to live. It baffles and inspires me.

Teenage poetry or is it fate that I become a disposable door mat

I am not making my situation any better by just thinking about past experiences. I torture myself on a daily basis thinking about failed relationships, ways the women that I have met and liked, laugh, and dwell at the futility of the situation. It has become a sisyphean task to think of what is wrong with me and why my situation has yet to change.

Well, this can't be normal!

I am at it again, for the "n"th. A new Tinder account has been created with my real name, a basic photo and not much else. In the first week I got about 20 matches. One woman initiated conversation, but I have very little comfort in asking questions without prying.

My previous experience reminded me that I am expendable. Although my employment status has improved, my unease is showing.
If I had a drinking/drug, gambling, spending, or other problem, I somehow feel it would be easier to move along from there. I occasionally deal with some racism, I can definitely say motivation, or ambition, needs some work. Being with somebody, makes me think that I would be motivated again, but I am not sure about that. I ironically wish I did not have any belongings making it easier for family to clean up behind me. ( I wonder how scripts and AI can identify when a dark expression is genuine or fictional. People do not share their feelings about finality, do they write about them in the semi-anonymous web?)

I've mulled over business ideas, returning to school etc. however the point of it all makes me wonder. My hobbies don't sustain me. Finding a partner in crime is very important. I have to learn how be a better listener and put myself out there.