Downward Spiral: Unit of Economic Irrelevance

Expectations have killed me. Well, not just yet, but I am definitely getting close. When I was younger, I had some rather stupid, naive expectations of being with somebody, who herself embodied truth and purity. That was a long time ago. However, I still think it makes sense to expect the best.
On a similar note, earlier my career expectations actually meant something to me. A vision that I would be working in international development, travelling the world, and doing something important.
Now, I am a) still single, having lived just a couple of less than successful relationships; and b) working in manual labour position that requires less than a high school education which puts me just under the poverty line with a sentiment of guilt of state inherited debt for the time I spent in post-secondary education. Even if my salary were to be doubled, I look at my colleagues and have a great doubt of what I can and will be achieving.

A few paragraphs of self pity doesn't do me any good, but it begs me to think what this world would be like if people gave up doing shitty jobs, or jobs that are not as valued as others. ( I personally know that everything is important, but am aware that there are activities that are less constructive, such as marketing or the production of consumer waste products like packaging or unhealthy foods, gadgets etc.)

Knowing that the for the greatest part of history, the majority of the population lived through poverty and hunger, yet they retained a will to live. It baffles and inspires me.

Teenage poetry or is it fate that I become a disposable door mat

I am not making my situation any better by just thinking about past experiences. I torture myself on a daily basis thinking about failed relationships, ways the women that I have met and liked, laugh, and dwell at the futility of the situation. It has become a sisyphean task to think of what is wrong with me and why my situation has yet to change.

Well, this can't be normal!

I am at it again, for the "n"th. A new Tinder account has been created with my real name, a basic photo and not much else. In the first week I got about 20 matches. One woman initiated conversation, but I have very little comfort in asking questions without prying.

My previous experience reminded me that I am expendable. Although my employment status has improved, my unease is showing.
If I had a drinking/drug, gambling, spending, or other problem, I somehow feel it would be easier to move along from there. I occasionally deal with some racism, I can definitely say motivation, or ambition, needs some work. Being with somebody, makes me think that I would be motivated again, but I am not sure about that. I ironically wish I did not have any belongings making it easier for family to clean up behind me. ( I wonder how scripts and AI can identify when a dark expression is genuine or fictional. People do not share their feelings about finality, do they write about them in the semi-anonymous web?)

I've mulled over business ideas, returning to school etc. however the point of it all makes me wonder. My hobbies don't sustain me. Finding a partner in crime is very important. I have to learn how be a better listener and put myself out there.

Tinder - my one year summary - I give up.

I don't know how many times I have deleted my account. Let me summarize how my dating experience has been with Tinder over the past year. As a note, I rated 84% attractive using Photofeeler.com, and had many women swipe me right. I do not send nude pics, send messages to hookup or something that I would consider creepy. For the greater part, I have tried to have some with conversation until someone suggests we meet for coffee.

September 2014-October 2014 : Chatted with some women. One meetup/date seemed promising, then she disappeared into silence. I tried my name in different language characters. I somehow got ignored. Roman characters help a lot. (Account deleted)

Mid November 2014 : New account. Dated one person. Well dated. I think she was quite lonely, and it was clear that she did not want to embrace/kiss/intimacy. I went along to outings with her, but was overwhelmed by guilt, that she would be left alone. At the same time, I felt very unattractive. It went on until January, when I realised that I was very unhappy. I tried to let her know that I felt that doesn't make me feel important and that I wonder if she would be happier with the companionship of my friend's dog. She contacted me to spend time with her, but I distanced myself, saying that I couldn't make it.
I had forgotten about my account after a second date in mid December. I logged back in to delete it. Just out curiosity, I saw that her account was active recently. Was she checking on me? Reviewing past conversations? (Account deleted)

Late January 2015 - May 2015: I met up someone with whom which chatted/texted over Tinder months earlier. We got along - I really liked  her. Somewhat in recovery, or fear of being hurt, I wanted to take things slow. Actually that is probably my default mode of operation - my first relationship was at the age of 30 where the woman was aggressive with for about 6 months. Nevertheless, things seemed to going along well, until I got ghosted.

June 2015:  Undeterred, well okay, I didn't want to be discouraged, so I went back on Tinder. Met with one woman for a beer. Not quite compatible at all. (Account deleted)

August 2015: I try again. Fresh new photo is used for my profile which is nothing more than my name my name. Many, many matches. A few conversations were on the go. Meeting up the following week with someone for coffee is planned. I leave my account idle until that date takes place. The day before, she cancels as she tells me she still has feelings for her ex. Oddly enough I still frequently still think of the woman that I earlier in the year.

September 2015: I log in again. A few new matches. I reluctantly resume a few conversations. Nothing much goes on. (Account deleted)


Maybe I am the exception.