Downward Spiral: Unit of Economic Irrelevance

Expectations have killed me. Well, not just yet, but I am definitely getting close. When I was younger, I had some rather stupid, naive expectations of being with somebody, who herself embodied truth and purity. That was a long time ago. However, I still think it makes sense to expect the best.
On a similar note, earlier my career expectations actually meant something to me. A vision that I would be working in international development, travelling the world, and doing something important.
Now, I am a) still single, having lived just a couple of less than successful relationships; and b) working in manual labour position that requires less than a high school education which puts me just under the poverty line with a sentiment of guilt of state inherited debt for the time I spent in post-secondary education. Even if my salary were to be doubled, I look at my colleagues and have a great doubt of what I can and will be achieving.

A few paragraphs of self pity doesn't do me any good, but it begs me to think what this world would be like if people gave up doing shitty jobs, or jobs that are not as valued as others. ( I personally know that everything is important, but am aware that there are activities that are less constructive, such as marketing or the production of consumer waste products like packaging or unhealthy foods, gadgets etc.)

Knowing that the for the greatest part of history, the majority of the population lived through poverty and hunger, yet they retained a will to live. It baffles and inspires me.

Teenage poetry or is it fate that I become a disposable door mat

I am not making my situation any better by just thinking about past experiences. I torture myself on a daily basis thinking about failed relationships, ways the women that I have met and liked, laugh, and dwell at the futility of the situation. It has become a sisyphean task to think of what is wrong with me and why my situation has yet to change.

Well, this can't be normal!

I am at it again, for the "n"th. A new Tinder account has been created with my real name, a basic photo and not much else. In the first week I got about 20 matches. One woman initiated conversation, but I have very little comfort in asking questions without prying.

My previous experience reminded me that I am expendable. Although my employment status has improved, my unease is showing.
If I had a drinking/drug, gambling, spending, or other problem, I somehow feel it would be easier to move along from there. I occasionally deal with some racism, I can definitely say motivation, or ambition, needs some work. Being with somebody, makes me think that I would be motivated again, but I am not sure about that. I ironically wish I did not have any belongings making it easier for family to clean up behind me. ( I wonder how scripts and AI can identify when a dark expression is genuine or fictional. People do not share their feelings about finality, do they write about them in the semi-anonymous web?)

I've mulled over business ideas, returning to school etc. however the point of it all makes me wonder. My hobbies don't sustain me. Finding a partner in crime is very important. I have to learn how be a better listener and put myself out there.

Tinder - my one year summary - I give up.

I don't know how many times I have deleted my account. Let me summarize how my dating experience has been with Tinder over the past year. As a note, I rated 84% attractive using Photofeeler.com, and had many women swipe me right. I do not send nude pics, send messages to hookup or something that I would consider creepy. For the greater part, I have tried to have some with conversation until someone suggests we meet for coffee.

September 2014-October 2014 : Chatted with some women. One meetup/date seemed promising, then she disappeared into silence. I tried my name in different language characters. I somehow got ignored. Roman characters help a lot. (Account deleted)

Mid November 2014 : New account. Dated one person. Well dated. I think she was quite lonely, and it was clear that she did not want to embrace/kiss/intimacy. I went along to outings with her, but was overwhelmed by guilt, that she would be left alone. At the same time, I felt very unattractive. It went on until January, when I realised that I was very unhappy. I tried to let her know that I felt that doesn't make me feel important and that I wonder if she would be happier with the companionship of my friend's dog. She contacted me to spend time with her, but I distanced myself, saying that I couldn't make it.
I had forgotten about my account after a second date in mid December. I logged back in to delete it. Just out curiosity, I saw that her account was active recently. Was she checking on me? Reviewing past conversations? (Account deleted)

Late January 2015 - May 2015: I met up someone with whom which chatted/texted over Tinder months earlier. We got along - I really liked  her. Somewhat in recovery, or fear of being hurt, I wanted to take things slow. Actually that is probably my default mode of operation - my first relationship was at the age of 30 where the woman was aggressive with for about 6 months. Nevertheless, things seemed to going along well, until I got ghosted.

June 2015:  Undeterred, well okay, I didn't want to be discouraged, so I went back on Tinder. Met with one woman for a beer. Not quite compatible at all. (Account deleted)

August 2015: I try again. Fresh new photo is used for my profile which is nothing more than my name my name. Many, many matches. A few conversations were on the go. Meeting up the following week with someone for coffee is planned. I leave my account idle until that date takes place. The day before, she cancels as she tells me she still has feelings for her ex. Oddly enough I still frequently still think of the woman that I earlier in the year.

September 2015: I log in again. A few new matches. I reluctantly resume a few conversations. Nothing much goes on. (Account deleted)


Maybe I am the exception.

In the world of Tinder, while women get a whole lot of attention, men learn about rejection

Ah! Once again, I deleted my account. I had a dozen of matches in this city of a million. With a total of three, I had some decent conversation, but nothing mind blowing. After a couple days, I attempted to start a conversation with the list of matches, I did not even get a reply from the rest. Conversation through chat, like I have said before, isn't fun. It may be that I have a hard time saying something "witty", or have yet to flirt with short text.

What is it that I am supposed to say? How about the timing of my responses? What is correct? I wish I knew.

One girl seemed keen on meeting up, then ended up flaking out, only answering a couple days later. A two three words more that I should say, may have made me seem like a freak. I don't know, and never will.
Another, who made me feel rather uncomfortable by saying that I seem like a nice guy. I chatted with her later and shared my frustration about how conversation ends when I mention my height. From there, I never heard anything back!

Why do I blog?

I have been asking myself why do I spend the time to write entries when the Internet, magazine shelves, our libraries and bookstores, are already so filled with good writing. I acknowledge that the majority of my posts are only a few paragraphs long and rarely contribute anything worth anybody else's time.  That may be a reflection of how I read on the Internet : skimming. I rarely have enough concentration to be able to read an article which was intended for print. 

A first reason that comes to mind, for why I write in this vast expanse of information, is that blogging is an outlet. Sometimes, I want to write a short rant, at other times, I want to share information on how to do something. My how to articles are not the most detailed, which is ironic as I used to work as a technical writer. I should provide more images, point form details and overall less general information, which would instruct the readers directly on about the steps to be performed to achieve the end result.

With regard to this specific blog about relationships, I was looking to share my experiences. There isn't much that I can get out of it as the entries don't draw in comments. Were I to use a more common platform, such as Yahoo Answers, there would be more dialogue, and of course a better understanding of myself through the words of others. Proofreading is definitely something that I must work on. In fact, I cannot remember a high school class where we were taught how to proofread. It is something incredibly difficult as we tend to skip words that we hear ourselves speak, or be so critical that nothing at all gets written.

Being personal in a blog isn't obvious. I don't want to use my real name, nor do I want to put up a photo of myself. I may not have any self-esteem, and am well aware of any efforts of self-improvement, whatever that may mean, is going to do little to change who I am. What a great realisation which makes me understand why I am eternally single.

My blogging should come to an end. I should go out and meet people in more in more conventional ways. Okay, I'll try to do both.

Spinning - on what, in or out of control - a tale of the nation and companionship

As I make my way through the first season of Borgen, a Danish political drama on TVO.org, there was an bizarre  sense of familiarity to some past life experiences. One having to do with my affinity to politics and "radical" groups, another related to relationships as I had mentioned in a previous post.

The Birgitte's spin doctor, Kasper, is being somewhat of a jerk, actually a total jerk, towards the journalist Katrine since he's known that she is involved with someone else. That individual happens to be her spinning, cycling without going anywhere, instructor. Not a terribly intelligent coincidence, but one that does bring up the nature of communication and in some instances, the lack of it. The relationship between Katrine and her instructor falls apart as she gets angry with him for his lack of awareness of current events, in particular a story that she is covering. I felt some guilt seeing that scenario as I lacked empathy, or passed judgment, to a person who told me that she has no interest in the news.

It also made me wonder about the person who I really liked, who had a strong sense of interest in current events, may have developed an interest in someone who is more visceral, a physical man, rather than the cowering "nice guy" I tend to be. Kasper disgusts and inspires me. Disrespectful, yet assertiveness and confidence are a few of the traits that define the man. His persistence is one of a coward, but also reflective of someone who does not accept defeat. With regard to regaining the attention of Katrine, time is my only guess will tell.

At this moment, like I have been since last month, struggle between attempting to re-initiating contact with the one who left me in silence, and nothing more than a sense of total failure. There is nothing to be forgiven, it is just silence, yet one, for which I understood, that not having any time for me means having no interest.

Deal Breakers - the incomplete list

Characteristics of a Man which are Deal Breakers for a Woman	Characteristics of a Woman for that are deal breakers for a Man
Unemployed	Overweight
Short	Has children
Poor career prospects	Wants a lot of children
Stinks of cologne	Vain and puts on way too much make-up
Insecure	Owns a cat
Doesn't know what he wants	Too independent
No fashion sense	No fashion sense
Obsessive sports fan	Is into entertainment news
Right wing conservative politics	Oblivious to politics
Poor communicator	Poor communicator
Plays video games	Obsessed with dieting
Smokes	Smokes
Poor hygiene	Smells a lot like the gym

When to Unmatch on Tinder - Should I trust the 'Last active' status?

I find conversation through text/SMS or chat on a phone frustratingly unpleasant. In fact, the earlier I can meet somebody, the better. However, I do make some efforts to get to know somebody a little before suggesting that we meet for coffee.

What I do not like about Tinder is the privacy : the 'Last active' status. What it really means isn't that clear : a swipe or a conversation. I do look at the last time the person was active. It lets me know whether or the person has read my last message.

Here are the reasons I unmatch in Tinder :

• Not a good match, really. She doesn't seem to be healthy, has many 'not this or that' in her profile. 
• No response to my initiated 'witty' message message after a few days. If she didn't respond, it is clear to me that she has no interest. What I fail to understand is that it seems like it is only the men who have to initiate messaging! 
• Conversation is almost monotone - I write questions and provide answers. If she responds with 'Yeah,' 'No,' 'I see,' etc. It is a hint that it won't go anywhere, but I can't be the only one speaking.
• No response after I provide answers to her questions 'How tall are you? What do you do?' 'How much do you make?' The latter was never asked, but the question before that suggests that. In the end, no reply after some time, not interest : unmatch.
• A person being critical or even angry in tone. I know that texting is an awful medium for expressing ideas or sentiments, but you sometimes get a hunch that the other is aggressive, defensive, oblique, etc. I am patient, but cannot expect things to go well if the conversation isn't fun.

Knowing what you want

I have seen and heard it a number of times : somebody who knows what (s)he wants. I, for one, have been told that it is clear that I have no idea what I want. There isn't a single way that I could disagree with that.

Over the years, I have lived in different cities, countries, and learnt the local languages, worked at various unrelated jobs, and am still aware that I know nothing about this world. I take that back. I develop visceral reactions against corruption, police brutality, social, economic and environmental policies which fail to meet scientific rigour, sexist, racist or homophobic expressions or behaviour. Feelings or positions do not qualify as a form of knowledge other than an acknowledgement of my own person. Yet, what does that say about myself? Should it help me know what I want?

In a nutshell, this is what I do want:

• World peace;
• People no longer living in fear or danger due to human causes;
• Fair treatment of individuals regardless of gender, ethnicity, language, age, etc.;
• Clean air, water, land, cities and skies;
• Someone to challenge my world views. 

How would that be possible in a relationship? The last of the list could be most possible, however, I clearly recall having lost interest in someone who was islamophobic and homophobic.

Then there are the practical things: house, children, retirement vacations etc. I could say that I rather meet someone who is healthy rather than wealthy,  has a vision for change and or conserving traditions which encourage social equality.

How a man ends up with matches on Tinder

I am guilty about this. I discern somewhat when using Tinder, but not much.

This video, which I find to be somewhat disgusting, is a good idea of what it is like for a man to use Tinder: right, right, right, etc. It is thus understandable why there is a limited number of swipes per time period. In order to improve your chances of meeting or chatting with somebody, swiping right to everybody is giving the women to decide. I have the feeling that there are some women who do the same, as I have been on and off Tinder with new or reset accounts, and found myself with the same matches.

Why swipe right on not so attractive or beautiful women?

• Some people are not photogenic
• I don't know the person, she may be fun interesting and become attractive
• Beauty is overrated

When do I swipe left?

• I am paying attention and look, can't imagine embracing the woman
• The woman doesn't look healthy - smokes, skin, impossible age for appearance
• Sports fan
• Children ( well sometimes, I swipe right - as long as she looks happy ) 

Sweet, bright and funny - yet health and lifestyle are very important

Trying my best to move on from dejection by being silently declined by someone who I really liked, I reinstalled Tinder on my old BlackBerry Playbook (using a BAR file apk2bar.org) and trying chatting with some women. I cannot count how many times I have created and deleted my account. Each time I have been changing my photos, blurb and even my name.

Initial message conversation with this woman was fun. She seemed quirky enough to be genuine. We met up later in the week at a concert where some of her friends were playing. A concert is a loud enough of a venue where conversation can be impeded, so it wouldn't have been my first choice. However, being able to compromise, and make things work, is what I do. I hope that won't be the cause of my undoing. Being completely unaccomplished, being undone is the least of my concerns.

Cut to the chase : lifestyle - smoking, drinking and not so green or colourful taste in food is a deal breaker. I may sound like a jerk, but I could even imagine myself embracing someone who carries an odor that I turns me off. I know that I don't smell or taste like raspberries and chocolate, nor like mint and basil, but I am physically active, have a vegetable based diet, and have no more than 3 drinks a week. Call me boring, but that is who I am.

The following day, I sent a hello message, saying it was fun, to the woman that I met back through the Tinder application. She replied, and I back to her. I heard nothing back and assumed it was mutual sentiment that it wouldn't work out. The next day, I deleted my account. I sent her my number earlier, if she didn't jot it down, I hope that I should hold myself responsible for having ghosted her!

Links:

http://www.news.com.au/technology/science/research-discovers-dating-someone-who-works-out-makes-you-healthier/story-fnpjxnqt-1227304811584

http://www.quora.com/What-are-the-differences-in-behaviour-and-lifestyle-between-a-fitness-freak-girl-and-a-normal-girl

http://www.mensfitness.com/life/10-habits-youll-pay-10-years/slide/all

Am I a jerk because I refuse to take a hint? Being Ghosted.

A hint, eh? Why not say intimation? Dating is a great world of discovery, hope, ambiguity, trust and mistrust - including oneself, and sometimes frustration. Well too advanced in life, but little experience in relationships, I feel there is no harm in sharing this experience and hopefully learning what you may have to say.

Over the past 6 months, I was getting to know somebody. We had chatted on a few occasions some months earlier, but she broke off the communication by silence. Hearing her given name on the radio, on a story that would have interested and concerned her, I wrote her a brief e-mail asking her opinion.  I was surprised that I had not erased it along with her phone number, in reaction to the silence. She immediately responded and asked who I was. We talked shortly thereafter. We exchanged our experiences of unsuccessful relationships over the time we hadn't communicated.

The next week, we met for coffee and communicated on occasion for the next couple months. The dates were pleasant enough, movie, dinner, a walk. She travelled quite a bit for work, family and for leisure. I was somewhat okay with the distance. Maybe it was personal test of my chivalry.

At the onset, I had strangely learnt, in more less direct words, that it is up to me to initiate texting or conversation. That made me somewhat uncomfortable, as I made a previous relationship being rather short lived, by my need to communicate, but acknowledging my flaws and hoping to meet someone who can make things work, accepted the "terms". 

As a side note, I was really happy to get to know her as I felt that she is a really good person : open minded, good politics, patient, funny, witty, kind and confident. Writing those words, makes her seem unreal, but I really liked her, or at least how I thought I knew her. Who wants to settle for someone who isn't ideal? Then again, I live with myself, but that another question.

We hung out once before she took off for a few weeks. There was increased proximity, but no intimacy, however we were certainly getting to know each other. I wished her to have a good time and offered to give her a ride upon her return. Once back in the country, she was chatty over text from the airport. I was avoiding waking her with texts, or an invite to do something as soon as she was back, so just checked in a day and some later. I asked mid-week if she would be up to doing something on the weekend, and she apologized to say that she had already made plans. I acknowledged and understood, but was nonetheless miffed.

At the end of the weekend, without denying my sincere interest, or playing games, I asked how she was doing, given she was recovering from jetlag. Then I got into radio silence, no text or e-mail, for a few days... It wasn't good at all. (Hint number 1?) I wrote again few days later, suggesting that the nice weather may be suitable for us make some plans. Nothing. Nearing the end of the week, I called and left a message. Life happens, she could not be doing well, met somebody else, not that that I was ever considering that possibility. She sent me a text later that evening saying that she has plans for the day I suggested. A few brief exchanges and I wished her a good night. No response. Strange, but not really comforting. I sent her a message of good luck for the event and didn't hear anything back. Not good. Really not good. (Hint number 2)

This is where I am convinced that I am an asshole/jerk/idiot : the following week, I was dressed quite well for a job interview and in her part of town, I wrote to her a text midday suggesting that we go out that evening. She replied saying that she already has plans and made no suggestion that hang out at a later time. I, in turn replied, after some thought, with saying it was okay, and hoping that she has a good evening. Unsurprisingly, she didn't reciprocate the message. (Hint number 3)

Playing dumb, or refusing to take a hint, triggers in me a feeling of guilt as I know she may be upset with herself that hasn't told me that she doesn't want to spend time with me. Not accepting something, that is more less obvious, isn't a healthy activity.

The better part of me know that there is nothing wrong with giving up. Another part of me knows that people who give up never succeed. Unlike a designed project, relationships are the stuff of people: ethical considerations cannot be ignored.

Links : 

The Tale of the Man Who Refuses to Take a Hint | Crasstalk

http://feminspire.com/why-i-never-play-hard-to-get/

On Radio Silence : http://collegecandy.com/2011/07/13/ask-a-dude-why-do-guys-show-interest-then-bail/

And Then I Never Heard From Him Again: The Awful Rise of Ghosting

Ghost-ing Stories: Girls Do the Slow Fade Just As Much As Guys

How do you handle people who can't take a hint? - Peer-to-peer Help - Imgur Community

30 Signs That Someone Isn’t Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You: How To Avoid Being a Passing Time Candidate | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Can You Take a Hint? Why Hints Are Clues To What’s Really Up With Your Relationship | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue